ungulate queue

¿En qué piensas cuando lloras?

2026-04-18T00:00:00+00:00

I want to say and think lots of really negative things about myself right now

But there’s a reason I’m so fascinated by people

Sometimes it’s like you can see yourself from a different perspective

We all have flaws and virtues and it harms us and others to choose to only see the extremes

I don’t know

I’ve been reflecting a lot on what I was like when I was younger

Just a few years ago, and I went every day to get treated for, like, not eating

You are relatively familiar with that version of myself

I think it hurt me a lot to see how ‘good’ I was as a person as a binary

Like I was either the worst in the world or I was ‘OK’

Always reading people’s minds in the worst way possible for me

The truth is that I was very flawed and that I am very flawed

The truth isn’t that everything about me is OK

And it’s also not that I’m beyond saving

But when I saw only those two possibilities, it made it incredibly hard for me to change anything at all

“The bad things don’t exist when I’m OK; the good things don’t exist when I’m the worst”

But also I don’t know. Perspective and memories and experience are all wonky things

I can’t see the truth; I’ll never be able to see ‘the truth.’ Science can’t study just my life. And science never has all the answers. I will always have to guess.

I want to learn to guess better. So many thoughts in my head.

I see myself in others. Sometimes I see my past self in others. Sometimes things happen and they’re like situations I’ve been in before already, but I’m living them from a different role. It reminds me that I can’t see the Truth. That’s a Truth. Maybe I can learn to live with that.

I am so wrong

As long as I’m open to changing my beliefs, maybe that’s OK?

I don’t know. So many thoughts in my head

So many thoughts

I’m so scared because I don’t want to do things wrong

I updated this page to add a drawing of a giraffe on 19 April, 2026.

For five out of seven

2025-01-13T00:00:00+00:00

I feel like I increasingly have less of a capacity to endure pain for long-term reasons. I have lived a life of doing things that I don’t enjoy and that hurt me, like Olympiad tests, as a responsibility —for the sake of my achievement or my future. Because missed opportunities hurt just as much. I have cried and overwhelmed myself writing Spanish essays and other garbage about topics I don’t care about.

The choice between pain and pain has defined me forever. And it’s far from a unique experience; I know. But I’m so tired.

Spending the day doing nothing drains me. Spending the day putting effort into something drains me even more.

Today, for every day I put work into something, I feel like I need to rest for five.

I don’t regret the work I’ve put into academia or my ‘hobbies.’ I don’t regret meeting the people I met, going the places I’ve been. I don’t regret my education, the growth, or my broadened perspective. I don’t regret learning how infinitely better others can be than you at any given thing, and understanding, to a degree, that that’s okay.

But nihilism has the best of me at the moment. I don’t know if I’ve ever had any meaningful aspirations, but I can state confidently that right now I don’t. I can’t imagine a life or future I could be pleased with or fulfilled by. I don’t want pain today, but I worry about pain tomorrow.

Sports

2024-11-22T00:00:00+00:00

Earlier today, I read a piece</a> by M. Gessen, a New York Times columnist, on the Republican attacks on trans rights in the US. It makes various observations about attitudes held toward reproduction —in particular trans and intersex people’s. I do not have anything to comment in that respect, other than that I’m disheartened by our society’s cruelty.

Instead, I wanted to write a bit about a comment that, unfortunately, I read under that article. I think it’s unwise to view comment sections in general, and I find that especially true of journalism online. We all make mistakes, and I hope I don’t make that one again.

As I write this, the top comment, liked nearly 2400 times, reads:

At the risk of oversimplifying a complex situation, my view is the average American is willing to accept that trans individuals have the same rights as the rest of us and should not be discriminated against with respect to jobs, housing and employment. However, this does not seem to be sufficient for many trans individuals, who want “rights” that do infringe on the rights of others. The best example is the insistence that trans women be allowed to compete in women’s sports. […] Life involves choices and sacrifices, and the inability to be able to compete in women’s sports seems like a reasonable price to pay for being comfortable in your gender identity and having all of the basic rights one is entitled to in this country. </blockquote>
The average American may claim not to condone housing and employment discrimination, but this discrimination exists because hordes of Americans are willing to engage in it nonetheless. In the US and around the world, trans people are killed, ridiculed in political ads, denied access to healthcare, and subjected to continuous harassment in person and online, among much more. The commenter’s input to this discussion is concern about fairness in sports.
Although a meager recognition is made of the fact that trans people are not a monolith —“many trans individuals” —what there isn’t is an explanation of why this, even as a position held by some, should be relevant to anyone’s decision to support trans rights. Neither is it justified that this view —that sports should be segregated invariably not by sex but by gender —is popular enough to deserve mentioning in the first place.
Instead, the commenter hinted at other examples of trans people having a vision for equality that amounts to an ‘infringe[ment] on the rights of others.’
The intention might have been to explain, rather than justify, the fact that so many people have a negative attitude towards trans rights. In reality, it’s likely a display of the reasons for its author’s own apprehension.
It warrants sadness. It might not be a new phenomenon for people to see the rights of others as a threat, and this kind of rhetoric is not limited to that comment specifically: it is replicated throughout the most-liked ones.
Most people can play sports with others of their own gender. But if you really asked a person subjected to this kind of injustice to trade that to live a life free of discrimination in return, I promise you, they probably would. Regrettably, no one gets that offer.
I updated this writing for clarity and accuracy on 19 April, 2026.

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2024-11-14T00:00:00+00:00

I feel sick. I won’t throw up, but I feel like I could. I am exhausted, I am self-loathing, and I can never cry, even though I’m certain that it would feel liberating.
#include <iostream> #include <vector> using namespace std; int main() { int width = 0, height = 0; cin >> height >> width; width = width * 2 - 1; vector<vector<bool>> matrix(width, vector<bool>(height, false)); int middle = ((width + 1) / 2) - 1; for (int i = 0; i < height; ++i) { matrix.at(middle).at(i) = true; if (middle + i < width) { matrix.at(middle + i).at(i) = true; } if (middle - i >= 0) { matrix.at(middle - i).at(i) = true; } } for (int row = 0; row < height; ++row) { for (int column = 0; column < width; ++column) { if (matrix.at(column).at(row)) { cout << "*"; } else { cout << " "; } } cout << '\n'; } }</code></pre>
Mensajes continuados 2024-10-31T00:00:00+00:00 melo: noobcita, te quiero mucho